To My Sweetest Cole…
I sit here watching the monitor as you sleep peacefully. Some may think it’s strange that at almost 4 years old, I still watch you on the monitor. But living so long without you and wanting nothing but to have you, has earned me this right. I know we talk often about how you came to be. I know without a doubt that you are well aware that you are a miracle, my miracle. I tell you this daily, for nothing more than to praise The One who gave you life and to remind you that you are wanted, you are loved, you are the answer to my longest prayer. I try to sometimes remember who I was before you, but even before I heard the words, “You’re pregnant,” I was your Momma. Heartbreak after heartbreak could never have prepared me for the amount of good that was to come. Month after month, 72 months to be exact, I heard “no.” My heart would break a little more each time. But you have softened the memory of the hundreds of needles, the countless days of sickness, the trips to the ER, the oceans of tears…for the day I heard, “You are going to be a mommy,” my whole life made sense.
You were created for such a time as this. The world was not ready for you until it was your time. All of the let-down was worth the permanent high I have been on since you were so delicately placed in my body. You entered as a flash of light. Your daddy and I saw a true miracle that day. The light of hope, the light of love, the light of life. This is why I so often tell you that you are the light of my life. Literally, our journey together began as a flash of light. That moment was beautiful and innocent. It was that day that you began hearing my heartbeat. I know that is a big deal to you…You have always been the only person to hear my heartbeat from the inside. That makes me emotional to think about. As invasive and unconventional as IVF is, that flash of light sent an energy inside of me that would prepare me for the sweet person you would become. In that second, you brought me back to life.
I want this world to be better for you, I want to protect you from any hurt. There are days I think back to you in that petri dish and think of how you were monitored, kept safe, studied and so delicately handled. That is how I have tried to parent you. I love to just sit back and watch you, protect you from anything sad, love you with a fierce heart and study your every move. When I talk about you, I smile. When I think about being your momma, I smile. When I think about you being a world-changer, I smile. You have been put on this earth for something greater than I can even imagine. Your gifting for emotion, your desire for peace, your way of bringing comfort, my son you are something special.
I know that daddy and I have often asked you if it would be okay if it were just us 3 forever, the 3 musketeers. You would always reply, yes, and we would breathe a sigh of relief, while justifying, how, at just 3 years old you were content in it just being us 3 forever. We would sit back and continue trying to convince ourselves of this “3 forever” long after our conversations with you. We have no doubt that our lives could be complete as a family of 3. Anyone that asks about you having a sibling, we always reply, “he is our miracle, he is more than enough”…You ARE more than enough my littlest love. Never forget that. But momma and daddy have realized something, or finally admitted something. We’ve always known you’d be the best big brother, and you deserve that chance.
While we do not know the outcome, we do not know God’s plan, we do not know how this next season will look…we do know that you deserve a chance. We are ready to do it all again, for you. You are forever the answer to my longest prayer, but now we can pray together for another miracle. That is what a sibling would be, a miracle. We know that if we were able to conventionally give you a baby sister or a baby brother, we would have already done so.
I am sorry we can not easily do that, my baby. I am sorry you are going to have to be a little patient, I am sorry that you will have to see momma cry sometimes because she is hurting, I am sorry that you will have to let momma rest after treatments, I am sorry that you will ask questions that I can not answer.
But I am overjoyed. I am overjoyed that you will be a part of this journey, I am overjoyed that you will be able to pray with me, I am overjoyed that you will be able to witness a miracle…I am overjoyed that you will be able to hold my hand. You call yourself my “knight in shiny armor” and “mommas superhero”…little did you know that you saved me even before your first breath.
My precious boy, I promise to do my everything to give you the opportunity to be a big brother. I promise to walk in faith and never give up hope. I promise to be brave and strong for you. I promise to believe God for the impossible. He has already given me an “impossible” miracle…you are worth another try…
To the moon and the stars….
I ask for prayers, happy thoughts or baby dust while we start on another journey of IVF. We swore we would never endure this again, but here we find ourselves…ready, willing and expectant of a miracle. I will be documenting this season and hope to give you a glimpse into all that is IVF and provide encouragement to those in this season with me. I promise to continue my transparency… All I ask in return are happy thoughts and a cheerleader on days I want to give up. Please join us in believing for supernatural favor over my body, our hearts and our finances to fund this treatment and stand in faith with us as we jump all in! Ready or not, here we go….