The last and final chapter of the hardest part of my life begins with my coming to in recovery. I was shaking (That whole coming off anesthesia thing) and crying (I do this too!) so strange I know. But those are my symptoms.
As I was waking up, I remembered where I was and what I was doing there. I felt my stomach and felt gauze, I knew at that moment, my life had officially changed. Not only had a lost another baby; but a bigger baby and my tube. I was also in a lot of pain both physically and mentally.
All I wanted, was to see Andre. When I left him, he looked lost. He was all alone in the ER waiting room. (The moms were on their way, but hours before arriving; even though Mom put on her flashers and did 90 the whole way! Like 5 hours!).
The minutes ticked by, I asked repeatedly to see him and finally; he walked in. He looked to be in worse shape than I did. He was exhausted, scared and sad. He held me and I clung onto him so tight. We cried for the baby we had never known, we cried for the pain I was in, we just cried.
My doctor came in and said she suggested I stay, but I wanted to go home. I wanted my pillow and my bed. Again, the dreaded car ride (the one where there is no radio, and no talking), we held hands the whole way home and I silently cried.
In the next few days I went through the 5 steps of grief;
- Shock and denial– I mean to find out we were pregnant was a huge shock and denial that we lost another baby. How is this possible. I was on baby number 5-7, I can’t remember.
- Pain and guilt– for many days after, I was in massive pain but didn’t want to take anything. I wanted to feel it, because I felt guilty that I had lost another one of precious miracles.
- Anger and bargaining– oh this is so bad, but I am so angry. I was angry at the world, Andre, my mom, anyone and everyone who tried to talk to me. And I was especially angry at God. Hadn’t we been through enough and now this. Why?!?
- Depression– for a very long time after, I was so depressed. I would cry in the car so Andre wouldn’t see me. Anything could set me off; a song, a pain in my stomach. I mean anything.
- Acceptance– this one took a long while for me. Because I knew from that day on we would only be able to do IVF to get our miracle. We went for a month trying naturally and nothing (not that I was shocked by that). Finally, we decided to bite the bullet and do IVF.
All through this time, I had the best family and friends who stood by us, sat and cried with me. They took the brunt of my anger and guilt. I lashed out (a lot) and I am still embarrassed today; for some things I did and said, for those I truly hurt during my processing of my pain.
There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t think of those people and my baby.
I had to have to C-section with Audy, which I call my warrior scar, but really by warrior scar came many years before. To this day, I look and see where I was and who I am now. I am 1 and 8 and I am proud of it.
PS- I dedicate this to my Aunt Cici! Who has been patiently waiting for the third and final story! I am truly blessed to call you my Aunt! Love you!